I know a lot of women who have self-esteem issue when it comes to their body.
I’m no exception to this.
For as long as I can remember, there has always been something. Something I didn’t like or approve of.
Secret Confession: I’ve Never Had a Body I Loved
The first time I really started being aware of my body is in grade school. I’m talking like 4th and 5th grade. This is about the time I pushed my Mom to the store and made her help me find a bra. A training bra at that, even though at this point, I had nothing to train!
But every girl in my class was wearing a bra and I didn’t want to be the exception. Once can still pretend even though they are a walking billboard, no?
This body issue followed me into Junior High where it seemed all the girls my age were further
enhanced advanced than I was. It didn’t help that there was also this bitch of a bully who got her friends to tease me on just about everything to do with me. Yeah, she was a fat ass and just jealous, right? But it still hurt and scarred me to an extent.
But it just wasn’t the boob thing. These girls had curves that I was clueless as to where they got them. All I knew is that I wanted them because the boys wanted them!
High school hit and, although I did develop some, I still appeared to be a bit slower than the rest. Mind you, I went to a large high school and by far, was not the only one. But I felt that way. I had the emotional scars from previous years and they continued to follow me.
I Survived the School Years
Once I graduated high school and moved out on my own, I became a party animal. I embraced my thin, somewhat underweight, body. But still, standing there naked was painful for me. I never loved what I saw. There was always something!
- My thighs were a bit bigger
- My stomach was a bit pudgy, even at 115 lbs
- My boobs were too small
But I didn’t allow that to stop me from becoming hot in the behind and out there having a blast with the men who were actually paying attention to me now. They didn’t seem to notice my insecurities and they damn sure didn’t have any issues with my body.
However, I was still self-conscious. I never thought my body measured up to my expectations.
When I got done playing the field and finally decided to settle down in my mid-30’s, I was 145 lbs.
I Still had Issues
My issue was being naked in front of a man, including my husband. I didn’t like to walk past them naked. I don’t know why, other than I always hated my stomach.
What can I say? I like to eat! But still, even being married, I still was insecure.
What the hell is my problem?
Now, all these years later and over 185 lbs., I still have body image issues.
See, it didn’t matter how tiny I was or even now, at the size I am, my body has never been good enough for me.
I guess it doesn’t help that I’m almost pushing 50 now and my sex-life is about non-existent.
Health reasons, not on my end.
But the insecurity has always been there.
When I walk by my hubs in bed at night, I make sure to suck it in or have my hands on my stomach! Nowadays, I’ve got that menopausal middle that just seems to pop out like I’m slightly preggers, some days more than others, and there’s nothing I can do about it! I refuse to starve myself!
I Guess it will Always Be There
……..until death do us part.
That is…. my body and me.
But how do you rid yourself of that? To the public, I’m a confident woman. But remove my clothing and I’m an anorexic little girl in grade school still trying to measure up.
How About You?
Do you or have you ever had body image issues? If so, how did you get past it or are you still battling like me?