Secret Confession: I've Never Had a Body I Loved
Health & Wellness

Secret Confession: I’ve Never Had a Body I Loved

I know a lot of women who have self-esteem issue when it comes to their body.

I’m no exception to this.

For as long as I can remember, there has always been something. Something I didn’t like or approve of.

Secret Confession: I've Never Had a Body I Loved - I know a lot of women who have self-esteem issue when it comes to their body. I'm no exception to this. For as long as I can remember, there has always been something. Something I didn't like or approve of.

Secret Confession:  I’ve Never Had a Body I Loved

The first time I really started being aware of my body is in grade school. I’m talking like 4th and 5th grade. This is about the time I pushed my Mom to the store and made her help me find a bra. A training bra at that, even though at this point, I had nothing to train!

But every girl in my class was wearing a bra and I didn’t want to be the exception. Once can still pretend even though they are a walking billboard, no?

This body issue followed me into Junior High where it seemed all the girls my age were further enhanced advanced than I was. It didn’t help that there was also this bitch of a bully who got her friends to tease me on just about everything to do with me. Yeah, she was a fat ass and just jealous, right? But it still hurt and scarred me to an extent.

But it just wasn’t the boob thing. These girls had curves that I was clueless as to where they got them. All I knew is that I wanted them because the boys wanted them!

High school hit and, although I did develop some, I still appeared to be a bit slower than the rest. Mind you, I went to a large high school and by far, was not the only one. But I felt that way. I had the emotional scars from previous years and they continued to follow me.

I Survived the School Years

Once I graduated high school and moved out on my own, I became a party animal. I embraced my thin, somewhat underweight, body. But still, standing there naked was painful for me. I never loved what I saw. There was always something!

  • My thighs were a bit bigger
  • My stomach was a bit pudgy, even at 115 lbs
  • My boobs were too small

But I didn’t allow that to stop me from becoming hot in the behind and out there having a blast with the men who were actually paying attention to me now. They didn’t seem to notice my insecurities and they damn sure didn’t have any issues with my body.

However, I was still self-conscious. I never thought my body measured up to my expectations.

Pinit Secret Confession I Never Had a Body I Loved - I know a lot of women who have self-esteem issue when it comes to their body. I'm no exception to this. For as long as I can remember, there has always been something. Something I didn't like or approve of.

When I got done playing the field and finally decided to settle down in my mid-30’s, I was 145 lbs.

I Still had Issues

My issue was being naked in front of a man, including my husband. I didn’t like to walk past them naked. I don’t know why, other than I always hated my stomach.

What can I say? I like to eat! But still, even being married, I still was insecure.

What the hell is my problem?

Now, all these years later and over 185 lbs., I still have body image issues.

See, it didn’t matter how tiny I was or even now, at the size I am, my body has never been good enough for me.

I guess it doesn’t help that I’m almost pushing 50 now and my sex-life is about non-existent. 

Health reasons, not on my end.

But the insecurity has always been there.

When I walk by my hubs in bed at night, I make sure to suck it in or have my hands on my stomach! Nowadays, I’ve got that menopausal middle that just seems to pop out like I’m slightly preggers, some days more than others, and there’s nothing I can do about it! I refuse to starve myself!

I Guess it will Always Be There

……..until death do us part.

That is…. my body and me.

But how do you rid yourself of that? To the public, I’m a confident woman. But remove my clothing and I’m an anorexic little girl in grade school still trying to measure up.

How About You?

Do you or have you ever had body image issues? If so, how did you get past it or are you still battling like me?

Sane with a Splash of Cray

23 thoughts on “Secret Confession: I’ve Never Had a Body I Loved”

  1. This is something that’s not relegated only to women. My entire life I felt my stomach was too big, my thighs were too large and my arms were too small. I didn’t get over it till my early fifties when I had my colonoscopy. After that, there’s no such thing as dignity anymore LOL

    1. Hi Mitch! It’s great to see you! I guess I really never thought that men would have an issue with their bodies, but now that you mention, y’all are real too! I’m sorry you dealt with body issues your entire life. I bet there are more men out there like you, but just haven’t spoken up about it. It’s sad to think that anyone isn’t “in love” with their body. I mean, I LOVE myself, but my body does have flaws that I’m still trying to come to grips with. I’m glad that you’ve gotten past it but not the way you did. 😉 Great to have a guys perspective as always!

  2. I hate mine. I am small on the bottom big at the top I have even considered surgery to suck some stuff out big sigh I don’t know I tried exercising and it didn’t work I try eating right and do that for the most part and that still doesn’t work all the time. I wish I could love my body but I am starting to at least like it a little

    1. Oh Kita! Hate is not a good word! I can understand your frustration with dieting and exercising. I’ve tried that too but it’s just not me. At some point, I became fine with “This is Who I am”. However, get me naked and I almost fall apart. 😦 I think we need to take baby steps in loving our bodies, just like any relationship. I know you can do it, girl, just like I’m going too! Let’s kick it together!

  3. I’m a Body Image Movement Global Ambassador Bren, and I’m am constantly surprised that women are still having negative body issues. I definitely did throughout my life and now when I look back I think what a waste of energy hating my body and not appreciating who I was as a person. It is a constant battle I think but we have to try and a good start is to really believe in the person you are and love yourself for who you are and not what you look like.

    1. Hey Sue! You’re absolutely right, my friend! It is a waste of energy and I’m going to do my best to love my entire self, just not my “person”. You’re sharing beautiful words of encouragement and I hope all of us who continue to struggle will heed your advice. Thanks, Sue!

  4. Until this year I always had boy boobs then peri menopause hit and now they won’t stop growing. Everyone keeps asking if I’ve had them pumped up and my sister is green with envy but I can’t sleep on my stomach anymore for fear I will suffocate myself. I WANT MY BOY BOOBS BACK

    1. LOL Boy boobs! NEVER! I feel your pain, though. Before I hit peri, I was a 34C. Now I’m sporting a 40D! But trust me, laying on your stomach won’t suffocate you. That’s my fav way to sleep. You just need to figure out the right way to lay the twins so they don’t feel so mashed! 🙂 Great to hear from you! Hang in there!

        1. Good luck! It may take a bit a maneuvering but it can be done. Mind you, mine sag a little more than they use to so they are easier to manage. 🙂

          1. Oh. My. God. Are you two seriously saying that the menopause brings bigger boobs?? I am SO excited!! My boobs didn’t even grow when I was pregnant! I’ve got a pair of fried eggs and never leave the house without my chicken fillets firmly wedged into my bra. I often leave without make-up on, but my fillets? NEVER! 🙂

            1. OMFG! Fried eggs? Really? LOL Well, all I can say is that with peri, I gained weight and that weight gain not only landed in my belly and thighs, but in my boobs! I’m not going to complain about them though. At least I have cantelopes instead of cherries. 🙂

  5. I had the same small boob issues through my early teens Bren – and I remember longing for a training bra so I had a bra strap showing through the back of my school blouse (sad really isn’t it?) and now my tummy is my nemesis too (we must have the same body type!) I’d kill to have a flat stomach – but I work for a surgeon and watch women come in for abdominoplasty and it’s big time surgery! My vanity just doesn’t warrant doing that to myself I’m afraid. Thank goodness for dim lights and good clothing choices!

    1. Oh my gosh, Leanne! You are so right! Just having that “strap” showing made me hugely confident….for awhile! Sad indeed! I’m glad to hear I’m not alone, although I wouldn’t wish these type of insecurities on anyone. Well, maybe some of those self-righteous movie stars who think they are God’s gift to the World. 😉 But, I can’t imagine having myself surgically altered. I’ve seen it on tv and it makes me hurt. I bet you get to see more than you want to at your work. Oh heavens! What possesses women to mutilate themselves like that? Ugh……I’m with ya on the dim lights, but even then, I’m a bit heebie jeebie. 😉 Thank you for sharing with us. Makes me feel that much better!

      1. I don’t ever want to surgically alter my body either….except…..I don’t ever want to get chicken neck. If I do, then I’ll be visiting a plastic surgeon.

        1. Oh no! The “Waddle”! Yes, I don’t want to see that gobbler come out either. Do you think they’ll make flesh tone duct tape by then? LOL

  6. Oh Bren. I totally feel you!! I’m in my late 30s and I’m finally somewhat “confident” because I work out religiously since I’m constantly training for races. I wouldn’t say I’m confident and I don’t have body issues but I would say I have more respect for myself now because I have seen my body transform from little girl, to teenager, to overweight college kid, to thin young woman, to pregnant and overweight mama, to pregnant and thin mama, to marathoner. It’s been quite a journey but the human body is truly incredible and while I’m not at all happy with the mom pouch that will never go away, I have respect for how far my body can take me and how many times it’s warped and changed over the 35+ years of life.

    But even so… I still suck it in when I walk by my husband. And I avoid shirts that are too tight in the middle and pants that squish my mom pouch over the rim (aka muffin top).

    I 100% relate!

    1. Hi Rachel! Wow! I’m in admiration of your story! You have overcome so much and worked it girl! Kudos to you! I love your determination. I think that “mom pouch” is cute. It looks so motherly to me. Embrace that too, gf!

      What is the deal with the hubs? Why do some of us do it and others done? I’ve noticed a muffin top in the past year. At 48, my peri middle is starting to spread. No matter what I’ve tried, my weight fluctuates about 10 lbs either way. Go figure.

      I’m glad you could relate to my story. I love sharing real stories and seeing how they touch other women. I know some are afraid to talk about their issues, but hell, we’re all women, right?

      Thanks for sharing your story with us. Keep at it!

      B

  7. Hey Bren,

    Great post! Growing up, I didn’t like my body because I was too thin and big-breasted. My breasts were always my main body issue. I never even had a training bra. At 11 years old, I was wearing a 32A. At 13, I was already a 34C. At 22, I became pregnant with my first daughter and gave birth at a whopping 38DD. I weighed 145 lbs.

    Fortunately for me, I was eligible for a free breasts reduction. That saved me a lot of future health problems. Another body issue is my tummy. It’s covered with stretch marks. And I mean, COVERED! That was always a big thing for me! I never wore a bikini since my first pregnancy. Oh, and since my hysterectomy 23 years ago, I have weight problems. And over the years, I gained back all the weight in my breasts.

    Those body issues still bother me, but it depends on the day. I try not to let them get to me, but it’s not always easy. For now, my weight is stable, but who knows when it will change?

    You were very brave to share your story with us! Kudos gf! 😊

    ~Nataly

    1. Thanks Nat!

      I’m so sorry you too battled, except being the opposite of what I battled. That really sucks! Thankfully you were able to get a reduction! Most people, at least in America, can’t afford to pay for it, even with insurance. 😦 Sound like your breasts weren’t the only issue. Gosh, I can’t image how you must have felt!

      I, like you, battle the weight now. I almost think we were predestined to be a certain way, ya know? I mean, I could be a lot unhappier with my body but when I see myself in my 20’s and early 30’s, I’d do just about anything to get that back!

      Great to see you here, gf! Have a great weekend!

      B

  8. I think I could write a book on this. Self esteem has always been the monkey on my back. When I was 36 I lost 70 pounds and I didn’t feel better about my body. I got boobs after kids and I didn’t feel better about my body. Then I dunno after 40 I just stopped caring to be honest.I have come to realize that being skinny isn’t the same as healthy and happy. I write about health and I’m certified in Nutrition so I get the difference. Sex? Whats that?

    1. Oh gosh, Heidi! Write it! A lot of women would read it! I’m so sorry you’ve suffered with these issues most of your life. Sometimes it just sucks being a woman. Bleh! However, I’m glad that you are healthy and happy! That’s what matters most, right? Sex, oh yeah, that’s something I get only in my dreams! 😛

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